If My Dog Had A Tumblr, It Would Be One Of Those Hot Narcissist Tumblrs.

CAPRICIOUS LEWDNESS
Bemused animal and docile hearts.

DEC 2

This morning there was light rain as I wandered around the back of the shed, taking my first defecation near the second, most rusted trash can. I find sometimes I have a strange attraction to the old and ugly. The smell of garbage mixed with the cleansing smell of the rain reminded me of my time in Santiago. The dogs, they were always fighting over scraps in the back alleys of the city while the brown women angrily kicked them away from their sitting posts and the children tried to recruit them as friends. A cafe leche only cost a peso back then, and I drank more than a lifetime of them. Time for another defecation. It's one of those days.

DEC 4

The sun is setting and I've spent all day inside reading The Wapshot Chronicle. It left a funny feeling in my stomach, one I will try to alleviate now with some Kibbles N Bits.

DEC 5

Friday Night. I'm going to go dancing. It's the only pure form of joy I can completely lose myself in. This was taken an hour ago after my boyfriend said I should cut my hair like Jean Seberg in Breathless.


DEC 7

Sometimes I really think I am quite pretty. Other times it's like I can't even recognize my face in the mirror. Most of the time, I wish I didn't care so much.
Even so, e.e. cummings always makes me feel better.

i like my body when it is with your
body. It is so quite a new thing.
Muscles better and nerves more.
i like your body. i like what it does,
i like its hows. i like to feel the spine
of your body and its bones, and the trembling
-firm-smooth ness and which i will
again and again and again
kiss, i like kissing this and that of you,
i like,, slowly stroking the, shocking fuzz
of your electric fur, and what-is-it comes
over parting flesh . . . . And eyes big Love-crumbs,

and possibly i like the thrill

of under me you quite so new

DEC 9

I'm trying to get into a John Berryman state, before my writing time. I told myself I'd commit two hours, no less. I've abstained from water so I won't have to go outside. We'll see how this goes.

But Still, I Just Cannot Stop Loving You

SRSLY

It's time to revisit this thing called Modern Love. Let's just call it a Best Of, after last month's winner:



I hope the author takes that fat New York Times paycheck and goes straight to a bonafide fem therapist.

Is it too much to ask for one column that doesn't completely reinforce the patriarchy? Who is in charge of this operation? Is it edited by Beyonce's crazy Put-A-Ring-On-It roboto-hand?

The overarching theme seems to be "Let's exploit the CRAZ-E ladies!"


EVa's forthcoming ML column: How Rolling Around With A Garbage Eating Robot On Parole Taught Me The True Meaning Of Love.

Other examples:


This author gets raped by a man and yet hates all women. Calls girl on girl fighting "tribal instinct." Wants to teach daughters to distrust women too. Great.


This author displays a remarkable understanding of feminism.


Dating someone on parole for rape. Hmmmm.


Oh, and then crying on a urine soaked floor,engaged in the kind of "female" hysterics everyone loves!

Things You Should Know About Norm Coleman Before We're Stuck With Him Again.

This post is dedicated to you, Lizard Person, you fame whore, who I originally guessed was:


("I Facebook friended Eric van Markovik to see if he was a Minnesota voter; he wrote back "Ur A Ugly Slut Whore With Man Hands" and then poked me eleven times.)


....but is actually this man:

"A friend of mine, we didn't like the candidates, so we were at first going to write in revolution, because we thought that was good and to the point. And then, we thought the Lizard People would be even funnier, and there was kind of a running inside gag between some friends and I."

Happy Recount!

The irony that goes beyond the Lizard People author is that Norm Coleman is in fact a Lizard Person of sorts, a reptilian humanoid to those of us who earned our college degree in shape shifting clanspeople of medieval ages, or who used Dungeons & Dragons to snag nerdy boyfriends in junior high. A New Yorker masquerading as Minnesotan, Coleman shifts form whenever it's politically opportunistic to do so. His master suite is the shape of a lizard's tail. He secretes slime during rom-coms. He's been known to fabricate a pregnancy, destroy the sanctity of eyewear, and wax on about cracking the glass ceiling, then deny you birth control. Oh wait. Still the latter clause is true.



Gleaming Light Hands: A Common Lizard Person Trait.

I first encountered Coleman in a servicing position circa 2002. I was home for the summer waitressing at an Italian restaurant in St. Paul. He came in with a hot leggy blond who was decidedly not his wife. In retrospect it may have been Heidi Montag.


Norm's wife, Laurie: lives in L.A.! Wears lingerie!

(It rapes my goat when a politician who doesn't support widely available birth control-- a position that derives from the notion sex should not be for pleasure but rather procreation---is totally cool with lingerie nudie photos of his wife. Clearly taken for procreational purposes.)

They ordered red wine. I am notoriously terrible at opening wine bottles.


"Your neck smells musky, man hands."

I struggled with the bottle standing over their table for a minute or two trying to pull the cork out. I resorted to putting the bottle between my legs and pulling up. Release came, and with it an outpouring of red wine on their tablecloth, and a few specks on Coleman. "For the blood of the innocents you've shed!" I screamed, or should have.


After winning Minnesota in 2002, eleven days after his competitor Senator Paul Wellstone died in a plane crash, Coleman stated: "I am a 99 percent improvement over Wellstone."

I stammered and began apologizing. He just stared at me with his lizard eyes and then stated coldly, "Move us to a different table." Later, he left me a four percent tip.



The wine spill got me in trouble and led to me peeing in my pants.

Earlier in September, suspicions arose that Coleman had illegally funneled money for his campaign. Shortly after, he filed a lawsuit against Al Franken for defamation of character. He's filed four lawsuits against former rivals, and each time has dropped the suit once elected.

Minnesota law states that if the recount results in a statistical tie, someone basically pulls a name out of a hat to decide which candidate becomes Senator.

Somewhere Over The Rainbow

In Which We Go Down Under.

Cruel World Love Connection

Sorry About That.