Gah! You guys, it's been soooooo hot here the past few weeks, I sweat constantly and wake up stained like an abuse victim from cuddling packages of frozen berries. I wasn't really born for this kind of weather, I slid out on a cool 53 degree day in the Fresh Forest climate of 1980's Minnesota, and since then I've basically needed temperatures that sound like deodorant scents to really thrive in my environment. I've been rewarding daily survival with Uncle Louie's ices and the most twee of air-conditioned rom-coms. I mean, now is the time for emo pornography, my panties are already wet from the heat.




I thought Paper Heart was going to be like Juno lite, and maybe Michael Cera could be less of a non-committal jerk without the stress of a 16 & Pregnant love interest, but apparently not-- he dumped his love-inept Asian girlfriend two weeks before the movie's release date, purportedly to roam the interiors of hotter Hollywood starlets. Of course, I don't blame lil' Cera, Charlyne Yi looks like a 12 year old who's never masturbated, and she spends the entire movie whining about her unlovability until it essentially becomes true. Her major fear of falling in love is getting ousted from the "one of the dudes" club. Evidently you can't play Nintendo once you start using your female organs. She's clearly never seen this picture:



Yi spends some time interviewing random Americans about their conceptions of love, which is sweet reprieve from the rest of the movie: a painfully self-conscious fake documentary that consists of a scripted Michael Cera awkwaromance and an actor PLAYING the film's director sighing and moaning, "We need more footage. How is this documentary ever going to come together?" (The answer: Oh! We'll just write super terrible dialogue on the pains of our artistic process!) The documentary pieces aren't enough to carry the movie-- none of the real people, though often charming, say anything you can't learn from some Hallmark cards and an Anne Lamott book.

Also, are we supposed to have heard of Charlyne Yi before? The movie spends like 3 minutes in the beginning making the case for her importance by showing off her quasi-famous friends, who then never reappear in the film, with the exception of Michael Cera playing Michael Cera. I mean, there is maybe nothing more detrimental to the specific appeal that Michael Cera has going for him than to expose it as a self-conscious act. Will the real Michael Cera PLEASE STAND UP, PLEASE STAND UP, PLEASE STAND UP. Haahahaha, that was a 1999 Eminem joke. No standing up necessary, I really don't care. I'm off to District 9 to forget this movie ever happened!