Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Things You Should Know About Norm Coleman Before We're Stuck With Him Again.

This post is dedicated to you, Lizard Person, you fame whore, who I originally guessed was:

("I Facebook friended Eric van Markovik to see if he was a Minnesota voter; he wrote back "Ur A Ugly Slut Whore With Man Hands" and then poked me eleven times.)

....but is actually this man:

"A friend of mine, we didn't like the candidates, so we were at first going to write in revolution, because we thought that was good and to the point. And then, we thought the Lizard People would be even funnier, and there was kind of a running inside gag between some friends and I."

Happy Recount!

The irony that goes beyond the Lizard People author is that Norm Coleman is in fact a Lizard Person of sorts, a reptilian humanoid to those of us who earned our college degree in shape shifting clanspeople of medieval ages, or who used Dungeons & Dragons to snag nerdy boyfriends in junior high. A New Yorker masquerading as Minnesotan, Coleman shifts form whenever it's politically opportunistic to do so. His master suite is the shape of a lizard's tail. He secretes slime during rom-coms. He's been known to fabricate a pregnancy, destroy the sanctity of eyewear, and wax on about cracking the glass ceiling, then deny you birth control. Oh wait. Still the latter clause is true.

Gleaming Light Hands: A Common Lizard Person Trait.

I first encountered Coleman in a servicing position circa 2002. I was home for the summer waitressing at an Italian restaurant in St. Paul. He came in with a hot leggy blond who was decidedly not his wife. In retrospect it may have been Heidi Montag.

Norm's wife, Laurie: lives in L.A.! Wears lingerie!

(It rapes my goat when a politician who doesn't support widely available birth control-- a position that derives from the notion sex should not be for pleasure but rather procreation---is totally cool with lingerie nudie photos of his wife. Clearly taken for procreational purposes.)

They ordered red wine. I am notoriously terrible at opening wine bottles.

"Your neck smells musky, man hands."

I struggled with the bottle standing over their table for a minute or two trying to pull the cork out. I resorted to putting the bottle between my legs and pulling up. Release came, and with it an outpouring of red wine on their tablecloth, and a few specks on Coleman. "For the blood of the innocents you've shed!" I screamed, or should have.

After winning Minnesota in 2002, eleven days after his competitor Senator Paul Wellstone died in a plane crash, Coleman stated: "I am a 99 percent improvement over Wellstone."

I stammered and began apologizing. He just stared at me with his lizard eyes and then stated coldly, "Move us to a different table." Later, he left me a four percent tip.

The wine spill got me in trouble and led to me peeing in my pants.

Earlier in September, suspicions arose that Coleman had illegally funneled money for his campaign. Shortly after, he filed a lawsuit against Al Franken for defamation of character. He's filed four lawsuits against former rivals, and each time has dropped the suit once elected.

Minnesota law states that if the recount results in a statistical tie, someone basically pulls a name out of a hat to decide which candidate becomes Senator.

1 comment:

Odoacer said...

Where does Dean Barkley fit into all of this?