Thursday, December 23, 2010

"Better To Leave Something To the Imagination"

You know how at some point an older dressing room attendant at Nordstrom's said this to you when you were like, "Can I pair the miniskirt with this belly shirt?" (Haha I have never once asked that.)

I think it's dumb advice, because people have crazy imaginations. Like you would never want to dress in a way that leaves anything to the imagination if you were dating James Cameron, because then he'd inevitably be disappointed you didn't have an electric blue 10-ft-long tail/flying horse syncher tucked in your baggy pants.


Friday, December 10, 2010

“If you can’t afford to hire a bartender,” he added, “you shouldn’t be having a party.”

You shouldn't even have friends. What would you and your "friends" do? Walk? OUTSIDE? Play the recorder on the 5 train platform? Lick a banana peel you found lying on top of a city garbage can and say it's okay because of the "three second rule"?

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Let's Not Forget About The Burritos.

Tommy Lee’s born-viral letter to Sea World condemning them for masturbating a whale reads, in part:

“We understand that you refuse to release this frustrated whale because he is your chief sperm bank, and we know that the way you get his sperm is by having someone enter the pool and masturbate him with a cow’s vagina filled with hot water. Even during my wildest days in Motley Crue I could’ve never imagined something so sick and twisted.”

A PERFECT RATIO NOTE ON THIS: It’s like, okay, small clap, Tommy Lee, you're a bonafide animal rights hero and a hilarious Internet meme for the day of December 9th, BUT buuuuuuuuuuuuut let’s not forget you used to fuck breakfast burritos on your tour bus to get the smell of groupies off of your penis. Not quite as disgusting as hot n'wet cow pocket, I agree. But then, of course, you, as a human being, are not the same as a whale. Balancing out the differing species expectations, I might go so far as to say that sticking your junk into a breakfast burrito is maybe just as sick and twisted. I remember when I read this anecdote in The Dirt I underlined it and then wrote the best side-of-page note I've ever written, which was simply: WHY NOT SHOWER?

(A motto I now live by.)

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Audience Questions Are The Best

Last night I went to a screening of Blue Valentine. There was a Q and A after and every single audience "question" went something like this. Audience "questions" are the best.

Susan: Hi my name is Susan, and my question is, well, I think that scene in the motel when you're making love was really intimate... like it just speaks testimony to your skills as actors,you know? I mean when you guys were on the floor rolling around it was just great to watch, I really loved it, it felt super real, though I suppose you must have had a thousand camera men around you, right? Ha ha. But just considering how intimate it must have been and how realistic it seemed to us, you know?"


Susan:...So I guess I was wondering if you could talk a little bit about that?

Friday, December 3, 2010

Fake Lyrics To Taylor Swift's New Fake Song "Dear Jake"

Can’t believe it took until today
To realize you’re just another Kayne
I thought it all was so clear before
but now I know the score, now I know the score

[Cut in Brokeback Mountain audio: “I just can’t quit you. you.”]

The day we went out and sipped coffee,
laughing freely, for all to see,
Said you didn’t want to live without me
Told my Mom, and she said “Careful, T”

I’m way too young to be played around this way
really i was like basically born yesterday
Did I mention I hated “Runaway?”
This song is about Jake Gyllenhall

yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah....fades.