Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Anti-Love Drug May Be Ticket to Bliss

Breaking News Ladies! You don't have to see He's Just Not That Into You despite the mandate that is the coy hamantaschen between your legs, because pretty soon science is going to render the dating advice industry nonessential. Take that $10 and spend it on a classy cheeseburger.

"Really Ginnifer, do you notice how you always get cast as the round-faced rejectee? Maybe you should, like, stop eating carbs."

Yes is the new No! According to the New York Times article, it won't be long until we're being love raped at bars with a hormone mixture that induces feelings of attachment and bonding. Or in the whimsically-worded forecast it sounds like date rape at the hands of Benjamin Button: an unscrupulous suitor could sneak a pharmaceutical love potion into your drink!

Rule #1: If his head is cocked to the LEFT, then he's just not that into you.

The findings revolve around two hormones. Vasopressin creates urges for bonding and burrowing when injected into male prarie dogs. Oxytocin promotes much the same in female prarie dogs. I'd be willing to go out on a limb and add that the similar-sounding oxycontin makes everyone want to have sex with everything.

Rule #2: If you're not Jennifer Aniston, then he's just not that into you.

Oxytocin has also been in the news of late for being the big O behind the orgasmic birth trend. It is as it sounds-- an orgasm during birth, helpfully described by one midwife as "powerful and juicy." Having placed my black market order for O, I've already started praying to God for quintuplets.

It's heartening to see science really prioritizing its research budget during these times of economic recession. Now that coupledom will be reduced to a chemical concoction, perhaps womanity can take a second assessment of the Sex & The City franchise and discover it has little to no anthropological use.

Rule #3: If you use sex to finance your extravagant purchasing habits, he's just not that into you.

I see this coming to market in a variety of ways: Love supplements, love cologne, love lipstick, all replete with addictive hormones. Maybe we'll eventually have diaphragms that secrete vasopressin upon contact with a penis making it feel intractably drawn to the entered vagina.

And I thought my Crazy Glue-in-the-cooch method was effective.

Remember still, it is now a certifiable CNN fact that women shouldn't say "I love you" first. Instead you should devote years of your life to a monkish study of The Rules (or, apparently now you can just lap up these kinds of advice nuggests from mainstream news outlets) until he puts a ring on it, all the while waiting impatiently sans bread products for the technological advances that will allow you to trick him into loving you via chemical addiction.

And remember once upon a time you thought relationships were intuitive! Psssht.


Sady said...

At last, the NYT has uncovered the true problem with date raping: it's unscrupulous! DELIGHTFUL.

Perfect Ratio said...


WendyB said...

Oh crap, has my round face been ruining my life?

Florida Girl In Sydney said...

Did you really just say "coy hamantaschen"? You seriously blew me away. AWESOME.