Here's Something Happening Tonight!

Experimenting with my Beta Blocker dosage now.

Bed Intruder Halloween Costume

Remember how last month a news report of an attempted rape became the number one most watched video on YouTube, essentially because the victim's brother was super gay? Maybe you really enjoyed that one? Well now you can play the highly entertaining role of a poor sing-songy dude from the projects whose sister almost got raped... for Halloween!

Is this costume:

A.) irrefutable evidence we're now living in a dystopian society where there's no discernible distinction between "news" and "entertainment"?
B.) an easy way to get people to pay $25 for a tank top and a bandana?
C.) Both.

You stab the hot dog sections with the uncooked spaghetti and boil.

Do You Know Where Your Memes Come From?

It’s an unverified fact that many of the major Internet memes of the last year (Chatroulette & IWriteLike, to name two) have sprung from the brainmush of young Russian geniuses. At the same time, we have apprehended at least one very sexy Russian spy known to canoodle with tech bigwigs on U.S. soil, and a handful of inconspicuously unsexy Russian spies with a knack (unrelated to point) for growing healthy hydrangeas (Also unrelated to point: is that girl like SO happy she got a joke into the Times? I mean, I would be SO HAPPY.) My first theory was that the poor unfortunate spies were victims of some sort of Hot Tub Time Machine journey and were mistakenly operating as if in the Cold War era (a plot perhaps to be turned into a Brendan Frasier* movie), but, consider this comrades: what if these SPIES were here to learn our taste and proffer us endless cultural delight and constant virtual candy designed to lull us into the acquiescent state of puppies getting a good belly rub? Like what if their memos back to the motherland were “129-456 Like deciding which famous person they are similar to” or “234-868 Like showing genitals on grainy web cams”? I mean, just WHAT IF?

This post is sponsored by the I Couldn’t Think of Anything To Write About Today Foundation.

*Brendan Frasier, I hath not forsaken you!

A Short Story About Soho House

(phone rings)

Hey you! What’s that? You want me to come to Soho House? Sure, I mean I was just at Soho House last night. HAHAHAHA, I know. Soho House is the shit! Yeah, no problem I’ll just catch a cab to Soho House. Okay, getting in the cab to Soho House now. I’ll see you at Soho House, girl! Wait, did I tell you that hilarious thing that happened at Soho House LAST week? OMG, it was just so so typical Soho House, you know? Just totally Soho House being Soho House. Okay, I'm seriously on my way to Soho House now. (“Soho House, pls. Can you avoid 6th Ave?”) Be at Soho House in 5 minutes! Wait outside of Soho House for me, k?

Protagonist arrives at Soho House.

Fin.

Mad Men Season 4: Prediction Time!

Matt Weiner, Mad Men creator/tyrannical czar, recently told Entertainment Weekly:

"The theme of the season is 'Who am I?' It's about stripping away the things that these people think define them. Once they're taken away, they just may have to look at who they really are."

What are these essence-defining things our favorite elegantly-draped, abulically unhappy characters will have to learn to live without? Some guesses:

Don will lose his penis (or at least a section of it) in the front seat of his Coupe de Ville, one fateful night with the over-earnest, possibly unhinged school teacher, you know, World According To Garp-style.

Sally will lose her lisp, and her long hair, so she can emerge from puberty as the tool-bearing "little lesbian" we all know (and hope) she can be.

Joan will lose her dick of a husband in the war (THANK GAWD). And to get a little meta here, hopefully Christina Hendricks will lose her unfortunate penchant for giving dumb interviews that make her seem far more one-dimensional than the character she plays.

Betty will lose all the money that she inherited after her father's passing when her family's BP stock plummets during the oil leak in a special Doctor Who/Mad Men mashup episode.

Pete will lose his clothes, his apartment, his car, his toilet...basically, his dignity. Oh wait.

And Peggy is perfect and she doesn't need to change shit and don't you dare disagree with me here.

If I Knew How To Edit Film I Would Make A Montage of All The Computer Disk Scenes From 90's Movies, But I Don't.

If you choose to do it, please start with these incredibly hilarious shots from The Net: