I've just discovered the secret source of happiness behind the smiles of all these bright Diet Coke-guzzling people who I work with at my new job for a much bigger, wealthier magazine corporation: the vending machine is money-optional. That is, it will suck your dollar if you would like it to, but your green paper is not necessary to make an infinite amount of snack size Wise popcorn fall out of the machine. If you ever dreamed of a tree that dispensed limitless candy when you were a young little piglet, you are a Kinda Nasté type o' girl.

Lesson #2 from Minneapolis homestay: Snakes are Awesome

An offshoot of my beloved hometown band The Soviettes, The Awesome Snakes sing about how snakes are awesome and how you suck if you don't agree. Seemingly simplistic, and it is. Seemingly brilliant, and it is.

Here's a clip from their Onion interview on, duh, snakes:

King cobra
The longest venomous snake in the world, this Asian reptile is able to lift its head up high enough to stare a 6-foot man in the eye.
Annie: King cobra is at the top because it’s scary and makes a good shoe.
The A.V. Club: It says here that a king cobra can deliver enough venom to kill a full-grown Asian elephant in three hours.
Danny: Unless you have a time machine.
AVC: Do a lot of elephants have time machines, though?
D: I can’t really talk about that. Because of what I’m doing at work right now.
AVC: It’s top-secret?
D: Yeah, highly classified.
Awesome Snakes Awesomeness Rating: Awesome.

Anaconda
A giant South American snake that kills its prey by crushing it, the anaconda was also the title villain of the 1997 Ice Cube thriller Anaconda.
AVC: If Ice Cube fought an anaconda in real life, who’d win?
D: The anaconda would win.
A: I think Ice Cube would.
D: Well, Ice Cube’s got some deadly words, but he’s just a man. He can probably punch pretty good. You’re gonna need more than that, though.
Awesome Snakes Awesomeness Rating: Awesome-plus.