Wednesday, February 20, 2008

Defs, Maybs? The Turning Point of Election 2008.



Consider the following seemingly unrelated events:

1.) Ryan Reynolds' new rom-com Definitely, Maybe opens on February 14th and is an instant box office hit.

2.) This past Tuesday, Obama unexpectedly sweeps primaries in Wisconsin and Hawaii by broad margins in nearly every voter category.

UM DUH.

Screw rhetoric, Ryan Reynolds is Obama's best weapon yet.


Enter: naive young Wisconsinite, bright-eyed, fresh out of college, and brimming with early '90's-style excitement to move to the Big Apple and work for the Clinton campaign.

"Bill Clinton will save the world!" he assures himself as he takes one last longing look at the Midwestern landscape he is never to visit again. "Besides," he adds, "I hear girls in New York give KILLAH rim jobs."




The movie is set up as Reynolds reminiscing his boy-meets-world-and- various-vaginas-along-the-way story to his not even 10-yr old daughter, who insists on knowing the source of her cynical Dad's sadness and how he fell in love with her Mom. He begins to tell her the story of all his sexual exploits of yore, changing the names of the players so his daughter can try to guess who her Mom is in the story. It brought back fond memories of when my Dad had "the talk" with me-- handing me a hardcover version of What's Happening To My Body and laying me down for a non-fiction bedtime story/game about "all the fine ladies who gave your Dad Blow-Js when he was younger" and I had to figure out which slut was Mommy. I finally discovered Mom's alias after a particularly detailed narrative and excitedly shrieked, "That one's her! That's her!" Dad smiled, patting my head, "You're so smart! How did you figure it out?" "Because," I responded, "that's the same way Mom sucks her sugar-free fudgesicles!"

In the forthcoming sequel, Definitely: OH YES OH YES, Reynolds teaches his young daughter to masturbate, like the Swiss do!

Anyhow.

As Reynolds relates more and more of his descent from the bright, eager boy he was in the early '90s to the loveless bitter person he is today, it becomes increasingly clear that there is only one party is to blame for his unhappy life: The Clintons.



As the Clinton years march forward, Reynold's love life spirals downward perfectly in line with Bill's love life. By the end of the Lewinski scandal, Reynolds is bloated and lonely on the couch, after several women have left him. His illusions of love and life are shattered and he's throwing his leftover Chinese takeout at his former idol who's on TV insisting "I did not have sexual relations with that woman."

When Reynolds meets up with his old campaign friends for his 30th birthday party, drunk and depressed he shouts: "I would never vote for him again!"

For a full 90 minutes, the movie is basically nudging the audience with its elbow, jeering, "Remember that guys? Remember how bad the Clinton years became? DO YOU REALLY WANT THAT AGAIN? Isn't it just painful to rewatch?

More importantly: DO YOU WANT TO BE RESPONSIBLE FOR RYAN REYNOLD'S UNHAPPINESS?!!! DO YOU REALLY THINK HE SHOULD BE TELLING HIS DAUGHTER ABOUT HIS PAST SEXCAPADES? LOOK WHAT CLINTON TURNED HIM INTO- A PARENTAL NIGHTMARE!!!

Moreover, when the retelling of his story prompts Reynolds to go out and find the girl he still loves after all these years in a sweeping grand romantic gesture, the object of his affections is his one non-Clinton supporting past flame: the girl who, through all of the '90s, bitched about marriage and the patriarchy, and screamed that Clinton was no better than any other political schmuck.

And that girl was:



(Definitely....okay, Maybe.)

Obama/Reynolds 2008?

3 comments:

Rob said...

tell me your story of discovering mommy is in jest. please. you are from the midwest. it must be.

Perfect Ratio said...

Definitely!

Maybe!

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