Wednesday, November 19, 2008

If You Insult My Culture Good Sir, I Will Cut Out Your Heart With My Monocle

Here’s a theory: In times of recession, people get a hankering for the good ole days. We miss things like grandpa’s ownership imperative, the New Deal, spankings, electing African Americans to national office, Campbell’s Soup (not the To-Go Cup kind, rather the slow-cooked, laid-off friendly variety), marrying the high school sweetheart/baby momma, unicorns, and flared jeans.

Kate Beckinsale's flared jeans: the embarrassed friend of that would-be-totally-awesome-with-a-timepiece Steampunk vest.

Srsly, just try on an old pair of flared jeans right now instead of blowing your load on new skinnies at the soon-to-be-bankrupt GAP. THEY FEEL SO GOOD. It’s like your calves are free from their denim-skin shackles and now you can put that spared paper towards renewing your subscription to _______ magazine. Oh snap, nevermind, that print shit just got shot down by a Steampunkian sleuth submarine. Better read a bloggeuah, suckah.

Culture is the same way. The old feels as good against your anxious head as Mom’s overplump bosom. And who can think of a better era to get all wet in the nostalgia orifice over than the industrial rev. years? Factory lines meant hot uniforms, greasy environments, tousled dirty hair, and what do you know, showering ain’t that good for your looks anyhow. Poor betches got to quit their jobs as plebes or whores and get their hands cut off at the mill alongside the men: gender appendage equality. Also, all the new products led to mass consumerism, new modes of transportation, and duh, the birth of the sexy advertising industry. Don Draper, tip your hat to the modern day lifestyle historians of this great era: Steampunks.

Draper: What Do Steampunks Want?

What do Steampunks want for their Dickensian Christmas? Here's just a short list:

1.) Steampunk-themed bumper stickers for one's horse-powered "automobile" $5-$10

2.) Steampunk hand-crafted Robocop on a unicorn $50-$100

3.) Magical Steampunk Chastity Belt $100+

Benjamin: I am like wall-e
me: list the ways and I will judge
11:50 AM Benjamin: I like "eva"
11:51 AM me: I think you mean E-Vas (like E-vaginas?)
11:52 AM Benjamin: who doesn't?
me: Steampunks
11:53 AM Benjamin: they like chastity belts
11:55 AM me: So true, chastity belts made out of metal studs with the magic password "dirigible"

"Dirigible" is also a suggested safety word-- for more tips see

I also have it on good authority that Obama has mandated a Steampunk be found to fill the Secretary of State slot. Clinton is currently converting her lower half into a single-engine train.

Your new boyfriend: I hear that Steampunk helmet also has special licking abilities.


WendyB said...

Hey, what did you say about my mom's bosom? Them's fighting words!

vaniller said...

Love the blog! As an aside: The hairstylist mentioned in that anti shampooing article is one of the most horrible, hateful human beings alive.

Perfect Ratio said...

SRSLY? That means he is no Steampunk.