Thursday, February 12, 2009

SHOULDA PUT A RINGTONE ON IT



The latest issue of Marie Claire features a HJNTIY-themed interview with two of the film's leading actresses, Ginnifer Goodwin and Jennifer Aniston, and one of the film's barely-on-screen-but-pegged-as-leading
-actress, Drew Barrymore.

The interviewer asks the three ladies what helps them get through breakups.

First Drew lies about eating carbs. I know this because she answers, "Macaroni and cheese. Kraft. Deluxe. The kind with the cheese you squeeze out of the bag that takes at least a month to pass through your body." As any student of carbohydrates knows, Kraft Mac n'Cheese comes with the powder-based cheese. Only Velveeta brand comes with tubular liquid cheesestuff. Celebpretties will deign to know the essence of KFC-induced diarrhea if it makes them seem relatable. Tsk Tsk poseur.

Jennifer Aniston hilariously responds to Drew's comment: "I don't eat a lot. (ed. note: DUH) I go straight to my girlfriends."

Thus a discussion of the importance of girlfriends ensues, which is odd, because HJNTIY hates your girlfriends. And your Mom. It lays its case against them in the opening montage.

First a little girl gets punched and told she smells like shit by a boy on the playground. She runs weeping to her mother, who tells her: "Don't cry. When little boys do that it means they like you." Next four women comfort a crying friend at a bar, cooing, "He just couldn't handle how amazing you are." All while the narrative voice is informing us, "You see, you've been brainwashed all your life into believing that when a guy doesn't call it means he likes you..." OMG, Moms are to You as Scientology is to Tom Cruise! Cut the umbilical cord! Punch ur friends! Frak you, Mom!


A mother looks on encouragingly as her daughter throws herself all over a carrot that is so clearly Not. Into. Her.

But it's hard to stay mad at your girlfriends for long, because they're dogs. Or some kind of cute, little naive animal. Ginnifer Goodwin laps up Justin Long's advice about men and dating (the HJNTIY philosophy) like a dutiful canine companion, looking up at him with sorrowful puppy eyes that seem willing do all kinds of rolling over for just one link of meat. The women are in the film to learn, to be taught, to be trained. Infantilizing, sure. But, on the other hand, Ginnifer's haircut was crazy ADORBS, and who doesn't like a good dog-com?


GIRL, HE IS SOOOOOOOOOOOOO INTO YOU!

Besides, taking He's Just Not That Into You seriously is like taking the babysitter seriously. The movie breaks every rule that it makes. After enduring two hours of Justin Long screaming at Ginnifer: "He Ain't Into You!", something magically snaps and the movie morphs into He Just Doesn't Know HOW Into You He Is, in which the males are not disinterested, they're just in self-denial about their own feelings because their luv for you is too strong to consciously bear.


Consciously bears in luv!

There are some other plots going on. Drew Barrymore gets thrown in as the token Tech 3.0 dater who communicates through pretty mainstream mediums like e-mail, Blackberry, text message, and MySpace, but talks about them as if they were cutting edge technology and the rest of the world is full of lame luddites stuck on landlines. Which is actually true of the film's other characters. The movie is strangely anachronistic, an oddity they tried to reconcile by setting it in Baltimore, where people who haven't seen The Wire can believe Internet is not mainstream yet.


Also, Drew Barrymore has all gay friends which showcases how technologically advanced she is.

ScarJo is the Quirky Aggressive-esque character. She plays a one-dimensional slut with the soul of a vacuum cleaner who jumps naked into community pools and says crazy things to married men like, "You have an ass I'd like to dry hump." Her boobs are the elephant in the room that everyone's thinking about grabbing.



The moral of the ScarJo plot is that if you're a wanton woman you'll end up a lonely lounge singer on qualudes. And that she needs a new agent. She didn't even manage to get one Tom Waits cover into the soundtrack.

4 comments:

Lisa said...

Actually, the "Deluxe" Kraft Macaroni and Cheese DOES come with a squeeze packet of cheese. I have seen it at the supermarket.

Perfect Ratio said...

Oops, my bee.

Molly Lambert said...

gurl don't be plagarizing yourself, I'm still posting us on TR!

jason said...

This has saved me from having to actually sit through this movie.

Ok, that's not entirely true. I would have skipped it regardless. But now I have a reason to do so, beyond my own snap judgment. So, thanks.