Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Let's Not Forget About The Burritos.

Tommy Lee’s born-viral letter to Sea World condemning them for masturbating a whale reads, in part:

“We understand that you refuse to release this frustrated whale because he is your chief sperm bank, and we know that the way you get his sperm is by having someone enter the pool and masturbate him with a cow’s vagina filled with hot water. Even during my wildest days in Motley Crue I could’ve never imagined something so sick and twisted.”

A PERFECT RATIO NOTE ON THIS: It’s like, okay, small clap, Tommy Lee, you're a bonafide animal rights hero and a hilarious Internet meme for the day of December 9th, BUT buuuuuuuuuuuuut let’s not forget you used to fuck breakfast burritos on your tour bus to get the smell of groupies off of your penis. Not quite as disgusting as hot n'wet cow pocket, I agree. But then, of course, you, as a human being, are not the same as a whale. Balancing out the differing species expectations, I might go so far as to say that sticking your junk into a breakfast burrito is maybe just as sick and twisted. I remember when I read this anecdote in The Dirt I underlined it and then wrote the best side-of-page note I've ever written, which was simply: WHY NOT SHOWER?

(A motto I now live by.)

1 comment:

Ryan said...

Agreed. Though a million monkeys typing would never come up with a moral equivalency test between forced whale-cow bestiality and 1980s burrito-humping. Or imagine anyone would ever hump said burrito for hygienic purposes.