Sunday, July 20, 2008

Jokers Never Die

I was trying to hold out for the IMAX experience after Amos insisted that one must only see The Dark Knight on the screen it was designed to be played on, but tickets for the IMAX are sold out until, like, two months from now and yesterday morning as I was walking to the gym I heard not one, but two spoilers from people shouting about the movie on the street.

The first was from a group of high school boys cavalierly strutting down Flatbush Ave in the 95 degree heat sans shirts. One of them yelled, "BATMAN WAS SOOOO GAY, YO!"

And I was like, fuck you dudes. I did not want to know Batman's sexual orientation in advance. It totally spoiled the surprise.


Public service announcement for the Post-Batman population: Keep your voices down. Use code. This is a cultural event.

Since it was so cancerous out yesterday I had to bide my time before the evening's Dark Knight viewing with other motion picture shows. For the afternoon we choose Werner Herzog's Encounters at The End of the Earth. It was beautiful, visual air-conditioning about the South Pole and the strange collection of folks who migrate there. It reminded me of my college roommate Dave who travels to the Antarctic nearly every winter to do geology stuff. He once told me that all the male scientists working there take "polar wives" for the season. Again, can someone please write the bestselling Oprah's book club novel titled The Polar Wife documenting the sad life of a scorned seasonal lover in the coldest place on Earth? It's the perfect premise. My book club is waiting.

Encounters
taught me that once a penguin's internal compass gets screwed up and they start running towards the mountains instead of the water (i.e. towards imminent death) you can't stop them and point them in the right direction. They'll just turn around and take off for the mountains again, joyfully flopping on their way with utter conviction. It's really sad.



Werner Herzog is funny. When he learned about this tragic directional delusion that can afflict select penguins, he asked the scientist, "Vwut Voctor, Voes Vis Mean Vat Vee Penguins Vave Vaught Insanity???"

I told my roommate that Herzog reminded me of Borat, and she was like, "Ummm Herzog is a great documentarian/iconoclast. Also German, not Kazikstani. I think Borat has ruined you on foreigners for life."

She's probably right.

But wouldn't it be the greatest conspiracy ever if Borat killed his character off earlier this year, only to fool everyone and reinvent his comedic persona as a heavy-accented documentarian who asks strange, amusing questions? Or if he was Herzog all along? It would be better than Obama getting elected president and then revealing himself as a terrorist.

I woke up this morning thinking about Jack Nicholson. It must really suck to have everyone saying that some young new guy did your character better than you. But the young new guy is dead so you can't really defend your acting without seeming like a huge dick. I really want to talk to Nicholson about this, I also want to know if he regrets being such an asswipe to Angelica Huston, who was probably the best thing that ever happened to him.

Heath Ledger was really good. He transformed the character from Nicholson's rather campy, shallow villain to a troubled, nerdy psychopath/anarchist with daddy issues. In fact The Joker's daddy issues were pretty much the same ones Ledger had to deal with in 10 Things I Hate About You-- physical abuse, some mind manipulation, etc. etc. I'm guessing Julia Stiles broke up with him eventually, he never sought therapy, and then ten or fifteen years later he donned some makeup and started terrorizing Gotham City. Boys with dad issues are the worst, anger-wise at least.

I guess the fact that Stiles couldn't convince The Joker to seek professional help was good in the end though, at least for Batman. If he had gotten his life straightened out, Batman would have probably grown bored and started collecting chicks' heads in his freezer.


So as to keep in faith with the public service announcement I outlined in the first picture caption, I'm not going to delve into any specific plot lines of The Dark Night. Just go see it, okay? Because in two weeks I'm going to write more about it. I can't stop thinking about it. The post-to-come will probably take the form of What if Batman and Kumar Went To White Castle?

I will, however, leave you with this more flattering photograph of what might be the most attractive man on Earth. His cheekbones are so exquisite that upon viewing him my hand is torn between reaching between my legs or for my blush brush.

116 comments:

WendyB said...

You are hilarious. But how did you not know Batman was gay? That rubber outfit...

Anyway, I really want to see the Herzog movie, even if it is really by Borat.

Perfect Ratio said...

It is so good!

Also, everyone in the South Pole has beards-- males, females, animals. I forgot to include that detail. It's worth going just for the facial hair display.

k8 said...

dude you ruined it for me! i so didn't know that heath ledger was in it. damnit.

Meredith said...

Encounters is the best movie EVER! I want to write a book of Werner Herzog Mad Libs. "It was then that I realized the ____ was without _____. As the ____(noun) _____(verb)ed on I could not help but lament the loss of so many _____s. I died a little inside."

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