Monday, September 8, 2008

The world runs on secrets. Not once, but twice, have my squidz and I discovered a gravelly sand-like substance in the lentil carrot salad at the Whole Foods' salad bar. Lest you not understand what I'm getting at, consider that the Whole Foods' salad bar is pay per pound. Lest you still not understand what I'm getting at, consider that I'm insinuating someone is mixing in sand with the salads to weigh them down, thus spreading outrageous prices to innocent mixed greens consumers. When their cover is blown, WholeFoodsGate is going to be bigger than the Enron scandal. It could decide Election 2008 via the following breakdown: McCain voted against farm subsidies, resulting in higher prices for vegetables, causing Whole Foods Corp. to scam the scale. What nitty-gritty floppity-flapping folk-fooling scandal-schnoodling! It induces enough fervor to make you see the abstract form of Jesus in the contours of your organic sesame tofu.

A run-down of what I believe about various conspiracies so you can appropriate my opinion as your own during party conversation:

1.) 9-11 Conspiracy: The White House Job.

I was devastated by this documentary Loose Change a couple years ago when I decided to watch it one day home sick with the flu. For fourty minutes I fully believed the Pentagon let the attacks of 9-11 happen for their own political gain, until I noticed that my roommate's cat had been gnawing on my ankle during my NyQuil-enhanced viewing, tearing my skin for a good fifteen minutes while I drooled over slow motion clips of the WTC buildings going down. I took that as a sign sickness was diluting my brain and I needed to rest and drink fluids instead of watching YouTube conspiracy theories. I had called in sick to work, not retarded.

Interestingly enough, said roommate with the cat was a public school teacher in the Bronx and every one of her kids believed Loose Change with feverish devotion. Viral video is the best and worst thing that ever happened to conspiracy theories. It both aids and refutes conspiracies-- helping them spread like wildfire but also giving them an aura of diminished validity (i.e., a hard cover book about a conspiracy, however crazy, seems is much more authoritative than an Internet rumor.) As the SAT would say:

The Internet is (kind of)to Conspiracy Videos as Pakistan is to the Taliban.

2.) The Moon Landing.

I don't believe it. Sorry. Neither does my astrophysicist sister and she's what they call an expert.

I would also argue, if drunk and pressed, that Paris Hilton will be the first American on the moon when she blasts off in Richard Branson's yet unbuilt space shuttle then hits her Emergency Eject button upon discovering the lack of amenities on board.

Don't believe me? Exhibit C-Cup:

It's all here in Hilton's moon chart. Maybe if a nice John McCain supporter had taught an illiterate adult like yourself how to read (astrological charts), then we wouldn't be having this argument.

3.) Scary Al*en Landing At Roswell.

If you'll recall from an earlier post, I'm terrified of aliens. My fingers are trembling right now as I type these words. My only consolation is that I know from M. Night Shyamalan's Signs that aliens are afraid of water. Since I've just wet my pants, that gives me about 15 minutes to write this section.

The plot of The Happening went just as I surmised: Aliens invade, chaos ensues, America doesn't have enough water to kill all the aliens so Zooey Deschanel starts singing She & Him songs, causing the population to collectively weep, and thus defeat the extraterrestrial invaders.

Um, Roswell happened. Never forget. Have you read Philip Corso's The Day After Roswell? Corso is a former Pentagon official! What more do you need from me? I'm scared. On a dewy morning in July 1947 the government found spaceship wreckage, four alien bodies, and one barely alive little alien, which they shoot. That is the truth.

“Hey, this one’s alive, “ Arnold heard, and turned around to see one of the little figures struggling on the ground. With the rest of the medics, he ran over to it and watched as it shuddered and made a crying sound that echoed not in the air but in his brain. He heard nothing through his ears, but felt an overwhelming sense of sadness as the little figure convulsed on the ground, its oversized egg shaped skull flipping from side to side as if it was trying to gasp for something to breathe.

When they turn this into a movie, Samantha Morton is going to play the little extraterrestrial that almost escaped.

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