Saturday, September 27, 2008

I AM TRIG'S BABY DADDY


...and your husband and youngest know it.

Congratulations Sarah Palin. In a sick Web 2.0 way you've won. Today the number of people checking this blog from the Google search "Sarah Palin Trig mommy" surpassed the number of people who have ever come here from the search "Jessica Alba perfect vagina." I am fucking disgusted, America. Let me remind you of something:



Readers, you'll be interested to know that the one post in which I ever mentioned Jessica Alba was a review of Good Luck Chuck and it happened to be the only post in which I didn't use the word "vagina." How strange! But let me pacify your feeble minds: Google Search is very complicated and only .01 percent of the world population understands its inner workings. Incidentally, those same .01 percent of people know the secret outcome of November's rigged election.


Now on the the fattier part of the post: THE DEBATES.

If I hear the phrase "You're right, John" one more time I'm going to retroactively abort myself.



WTF happened. It was our chance to seal the deal and we failed. We failed because we fell into the same pattern Democrats have fallen into since I hit puberty. We didn't attack, we defended. We spent time explaining the egregious lies the other candidate was spewing about us, without ever addressing the egregious lies the other candidate was building himself up on. Fuck The What.

Here's a little sing-a-long:

When John McCain goes I want to make sure that CEOs don't get huge severance plans...

you say Does that include your adviser who got a fat paycheck from Fannie Mae this month?

When John McCain goes My opponent is the earmark king of the Senate...

you say Funny he mentions this, since his running mate brought more earmarks to her state than any other Governor.

When John McCain presents himself as the Che Guevara of Washington...

you make it obvious that he's the Cliche Guevara and has voted with Bush 90 PERCENT OF THE TIME. And you beat it in, until it's a catchphrase.

When he smirks with his decaying yellow teeth, you smirk back a little with your nicely formed white ones. I'm not saying to be obnoxious, Barack. I know you were told not to be too heady. But when McCain gets sarcastic and paternalistic with you, respond to it. Show emotion. Make your most important points by emphasizing them. Bring up the fact that while he may not want to withdraw from Iraq, a desire that's costing us billions of dollars and lost lives every month, he did want to withdraw from the debates. As long as he smirks more, he'll still come off as the bad guy. Pizazz and nuance are not mutually exclusive, a smart lady once said.

My only hope is that this was a deliberate strategy to leave the McCain-attacking to Joe Biden this Thursday at the VEEP Debates. Perhaps since Joe can't attack Sarah Palin directly without seeming like a big meanie bullying a lil' lady, he'll spend the 90 minutes throwing punches against John McCain. Punches she won't be able to answer because she's in way over her poofed up head. Please do that Joe Biden. And for this advice I would like $5 and a bag of Sour Patch Kids.

First they're sour, then they're sweet!

4 comments:

Axel Foley said...

What debate were you watching? (That's the mandatory comment for anyone who doesn't agree with an online commentator's take on a debate.) I thought Obama didn't screw up at all, was strong without being angry, and overall won the debate narrowly. McCain was also pretty good, but Obama was better. And this opinion is confirmed by most voter polls.

I like turtles.

WendyB said...

My highest traffic ever was for "Levi Johnston."

Perfect Ratio said...

He may have won the debate "narrowly" but he should have trounced McCain. It seemed like he never took the offense. And I LOVE turtles. I mean, what turtles were you watching?
xoxo
Levi J.

Florida Girl In Sydney said...

"retroactively abort myself" hahahaha-- don't tell Sarah.