Thursday, June 5, 2008

Ode to the Average Girl

With your extra fifteen pounds! With your dead-end strands! With your glowing self-contentment and asymmetrical features!

Walter Kirn wants to eff the bejesus out of your average-looking vag.

As an average girl, I'll admit I find it fucking tempting to love this article. I mean how great is it? A man who bypasses the thin gorgeous girls at the bar and goes straight to the "unnoticables"! He likes girls like me! He appreciates us. He finds us beautiful...kind of? Except for our body parts are ugly? We're the ones with the big, clunky hands content to bask in the limelight of gorgeous friends. I mean this intro is kind of one long anecdote on negging straight out of The Game. You want to sleep with me despite my ugly hands? Uh, THANKS Mystery.

That’s when the pretty one, who’s tired of standing around with nothing to do but check out her look-alikes and estimate her own rank in the evening’s pageant, wanders off to use the bathroom. I don’t really notice; I like her friend. Her friend has hands that are too big for her wrists, and when she gestures with them to make a point, I’m mesmerized by their power, their vitality. I’d like to hold them, to feel them on my back. I bet they’re warm—much warmer than the pretty one’s, which are small and slender but look icy.

Kirn goes for the slightly overweight, big-nosed chicks because he immediately assumes they have a sense of contentment and happiness that beautiful chicks don't. While the pretty girl he dated in college had "facial expressions that were harder and more anxious, particularly at mealtimes" the girl he dated next-- "round as an apple" Maura --is too happy with life to waste time dieting. So Maura is awesome. Great. She also happens to be chubby and have bad facial features apparently.

But the gist of this dude's argument is like one of those LSAT questions where they ask you why the logic is incorrect. Par example:

"If a person from group A loves puppies more than a person from Group B, then all the people in A love puppies more than all the people in Group B."

Like, duh, not every pretty girl is a crazy dieter with no personality who hates herself. And not every average girl is a happy, above-beauty-standards-pressure, fried- chicken-ordering Goddess. I can think of average looking girls in college who were awesome and funny, but threw up every meal, and I can think of gorgeous girls who were awesome and funny, and fuck them, can eat anything they want and do.

Point being, an "average girl" fetish is not a particularly enlightened sexual position.

Also, Kirn talks about his attraction to Tilda Swanson as an example of how strong and cool the non-beautiful are--WTF? The woman is GORGEOUS in a very typical perfect skin, six feet tall, beautiful feature kind of way.


WendyB said...

I find his opinions on women creepy and sexist. It's like all women are meat to him and he's making a big deal of himself because he sometimes likes to eat hamburger as well as filet mignon. It's like he's God's gift to "ugly" girls or something.

Perfect Ratio said...

TOTALLY. Like he's special for appreciating the deliciousness of cheap meat.

Meredith said...

Way to skirt that whole "most high fashion models look like extras from an alien themed X-Files episode" problem, D-bag.

Also, I would say Tilda Swinton is gorgeous more in a "looks like David Bowie in The Man Who Fell to Earth" sort of way.