Tuesday, August 19, 2008

I don't remember much about Eliot Spitzer. I know he was tough on Wall Street criminals. My grandma feverishly believed he would be the first Jew-pres.

Then he boned a call girl that looked suspiciously like Audrina from The Hills. That ended that.

Wish #1 of blog post #234: I wish The Hills would stay out of politics. No boning Audrina dopplegangers. No more candidate endorsements from Heidi. And someone rescind Spencer's right to vote please. Don't make it a decision, make it a surprise.

Vice-Pres 2008- do it for the American Bubbies.

The aftereffects of the Spitzer scandal are much harder to forget, mostly because they won't go away. The sexual inclinations of one lowly Governor managed to spawn a media clusterfuck of articles on both:


Wish #2 of blog post #234: I am really sick of reading these articles and I wish they would stop. Media outlets should feel free, however, to keep posting the accompanying sexy pictures.

A picture from the most recent high class hooker article in Radar:

Marisa Tomei and Prince Harry do it for $$$$

It's not that the Radar article wasn't positively salacious and fully consuming. It's just that these kind of pieces feel like Mad Libs by now.

This one was titled "The Secrets of a Hipster Hooker."

I mean, c'mon.

High Class Call Girl Article Mad Libs

THE ____________ (Insert Noun: Secrets/Secret Life/Diary) OF A ___________(Insert Descriptor: High Class/ Ivy League/ Just-Like-Your-Daughter) _____________ (Insert Sexy Noun for Whore: Hooker/Prostitute/Sexy Money Fairy).

Can we just legalize prostitution already? Legalization always kills media thrill.

I mean maybe I'm just jealous because I don't have the best vagina in New York. Sometimes I don't fully comprehend when my inner misogynist rears her ugly clitoris.

The prettiest vagina in all of New York goes to Ashley Alexandra Dupree.

Apparently it looks like God's face

and sounds like Madonna's Ray of Light album.

As long as I brought it up, you should really take a look at the Google Image results for "God's face". FASCINATING.

My vag doesn't stand a chance against such loin aesthetics. Ever since a large, politically conservative Russian lady started fuming about all the "disgusting" gays in New York, slapping my thigh angrily for emphasis as she waxed my bikini area, I've been too afraid to go back for grooming.

Gratuitous picture of hairy, but lovable animal:

Mostly, I pray for the demise of the high-class hooker article because I'm afraid as chick writer that one day I'll pitch a story on, let's say Uganda's flailing fish industry, and a male editor will write back: "This looks great! Can you work in an angle about prostituting yourself to a destitute Ugandan fisherman? How much could he offer you? What did you have to do, etc.? File next Tuesday?"

What is far worse than the recent stream of prostie pieces however, is the slew of articles on married men craving affairs. Males think about extramarital sex. HOW IS THIS NEWS?

The most despicable offender thus far was Philip Weiss' New York magazine piece, "What Makes Married Men Want To Have Affairs?"

I mean, I understand that emasculated Beta-males are trendy nowadays, but this is just ridiculous. Weiss bases his entire argument on the fact that he really wants his wife around to like, you know, darn his trousers and shit, but he also wants to have sex with lots of other people (and, moreover, it's not his fault! Science says he can't help it!). Thus the BabyMan whines:

Sitting in Schiller’s, I explained Squire’s history to my friend and suggested that we could change sexual norms to, say, encourage New York waitresses to look on being mistresses as a cool option. “That’s fringe,” my friend said dismissively. Wives weren’t going to allow it, and we men grant them a lot of power; they’re all as dominant as Yoko Ono. “Look, we’re the weaker animal,” he said. “They commandeer the situation.”

Wish #3 of blog post #234: I wish that no writer ever again will treat young tattooed waitresses as toddler-esque, half-formed beings who would fuck married dudes because it was "cool". It's like, wouldn't it be great if mentally disabled babysitters thought that dick-sucking was as fun as eating a popscicle? Yeah! But our wives would never go for it! Damn!

This article is simply relationship fear-mongering. It's the sex equivalent of those scary wolf Bush ads from Election 2004. And it's not as if there haven't been good articles written about the desire to cheat. It's hard, dudes. People aren't really meant for monogamy. But don't write an eight page diaper rash of a piece that incessantly wails, "BUT WHY CAN'T I JUST HAVE IT ALL?" Just, like, get a Deevorce. Or go bone someone, quick and clean, Don Draper-style. Just don't make us listen to you whine about your own choices.

In some ways the high class hooker type-article and the Philip Weiss type-article go hand in hand, or Pee in Vee, more aptly. The high class call girl-- young, alternative, beautiful-- is exactly like the tattooed waitress of Weiss' wet dream. Only she costs some bucks.

Maybe someone can write the Weiss-spends-one-night-working-as-high-class-male-hooker article?
That would finally be an interesting twist.


Matt said...

I'm officially an avid fan. Keep 'em coming.

floridagirlinsydney said...

This post is seriously freaking hilarious.