Friday, August 1, 2008

Obviously I disagree with John McCain on everything. Except maybe skin cancer. Though I'm even reluctant to give him a 100 percent pass on the cancer issue, because if he would just take a cue from his wife and cake on makeup like a trollop, he probably could have avoided his cancerous predicament. Makeup, you see, is like wearing SPF 15.

Because of this benefit, it really rapes my goat when dudes are like, "You look so much better without makeup." First of all, don't disguise an insult as a compliment. I never tell boyfriends, "Oh, you look so much better when you don't wear all that armpit hair." And secondly, looking like a harlot these days is called being CANCER CONSCIOUS. Moreover, making oneself up only gets more commanding with age: on the elderly, makeup has a way of reminding everyone around of their own mortality. At least I see my eventual demise in the heavily rouged cheeks of Cindy McCain. I am amused that you can buy that power at Sephora for like 50 bucks.

Another thing that sodomized my chicken recently was McCain's moronic attempt to play the race card by accusing Obama of playing the race card. I'm not good at cards to begin with so someone is going to have to explain to me WTF "playing the race card" even means. Obama's black, duh. So when he points out that he looks different from past presidents that's unfair or something? What's the difference between that and McCain highlighting his war experience or his skin cancer survival? I play the skin cancer card all the time, and you know what? It gets me laid. It works much better than the abortion card for some reason.

This is my formal warning to politicians: the "playing the card" metaphor must be retired. It just doesn't fucking make sense. There's no way to play a card unfairly in a game of cards: you can make a bad play, or a brilliant play, but if you can actually play a card, you're automatically within the parameters of what is fair.

Which one of these hotties can't say that they're black? Is this a trick question?

No one likes a white dude complaining about a black dude's "unfair" advantage. No one likes a Bob Ewell. That kind of personality went out of vogue in 2003 with the Michigan Affirmative Action lawsuit. The only Internet presence Patrick Hamacher has now is on Facebook and he does not even have a lot of Facebook friends.

No one likes a serious old white dude either. McCain went about his campaign all wrong from the get go. He's up against a hot, new, obnoxiously hip guy, and he responds by morphing into the crotchety old Grandpa shaking his cane in the air decrying Obama's popularity. Also using a word like "trollop" doesn't make him appear any younger. Then there's his temper. Did I call McCain an old white dude? I meant an old beet red dude. No one likes seeing grandpa figures get mad. It brings back memories of the belt.

Last night, over at Liz's, we were talking about how McCain should have positioned himself as the kitsch counter-cultural candidate. Voters these days are way into perverse postmodern ballot casting. I hail from the state that elected Jesse Ventura, a penis doppleganger with a moustache. Two years ago, a vampire ran for Governor under the slogan "Politics is a cutthroat business" and promised to impale child molesters on the steps of the Capitol Building. I'm telling you people love this kind of gimmick. At least Minnesotans do. Though now I'm wondering if this vampire's political run was just a marketing scheme for HBO's True Blood. Their ads are intense, to say the least.

If I were running McCain's campaign. I would have sold him as a Steampunk. WALL-E is a Steampunk, and people seem to love him.

Genuine Steampunk robot (left).

STEAM-E WALL-E (below).

SteamCain McPunk would have 1.) Made McCain's loss more fun to watch and 2.) killed the Steampunk movement. Both of which I wouldn't mind happening.

SteamCain McPunk or something:

It's pretty obvious I'm not at work today. SteamCain McPunk and I are renting City of Lost Children and burnishing our brass knuckles togeths this afternoon.


WendyB said...

You are hilarious. "Rapes my goat"!

Molly said...


floridagirlinsydney said...

This post is fucking hilarious. No one likes to be reminded of an angry Grandpa getting the belt.. ha ha!

Joe said...

But if McCain became a steampunk, thousands of journalists and bloggers would start calling him "McSteamy."