Saturday, October 4, 2008

For Ms. Palin, such things as context, syntax and the proximity of answers to questions have no meaning.--Bob Herbert

I drunk dialed Joe Biden Thursday night. Initially I wanted to email him, but in my less than stone cold sober state, I kept running up against pesky web forms on his Senate page. A web form would not do. But a Washington Office number more than sufficed: 302-573-6345. (His number is now in my phone under "Pizza Hut." I suggest you put him in your address book under a fast food restaurant you're likely to call when intoxicated so you can let your cynical self loose and reap drunken compliments upon the man too. *Brought to you by the Committee Of Political Drunks, PAC.)

My recollection of what I actually said on the phone keeps getting more grandiose and absurd as I am apt to do in my story-telling, but I know for sure I uttered "I wish you were my Dad" and "I love you."

From Urban Dictionary:


Joe Biden was brilliant at the debate. Sarah Palin wrote some quasi-complete sentences on cue cards and the American punditry claimed her a success. I don't know if I can live in this country anymore.



Her memorized bits of speech sounded like someone had taped the banter at a Retarded Daughters Of The Revolution meeting and made her memorize it. She was basically a robot not so much unlike America's favorite one-trope machine WALL-E, only Palin's cloying, repetitive intonations were annoying, not adorable. At least I thought so.

"Every Rubik's Cube deserves to live; even if you're just going to put it on a shelf and let it starve. That's the way we do it in post-apocalyptic Alaska.
"


"GOLL-EEEEEE!!!! GEEE-WHIZZ!!! POO-POO!!!! PEE-PEE!!!! MAVER-EEEECK!!! DRILL-EEEEE BAB-EEEE DRILL-EEEE!!!"

I'm sorry, there's one other crucial difference between WALL-E and Sarah Palin: WALL-E cleans up the Earth and Sarah Palin rapes it. And then she makes the Earth pay for her own rape kit.

Have you seen this one yet? Let's just make this slogan the strong fundamentals of our economic policy:



It's just like my sleep shirt that reads: I MAY HAVE A LARGE VOID IN FOREIGN POLICY EXPERIENCE, BUT MY VAGINA IS SUPER TIGHT!

Also, Joe Biden you owe me some Sour Patch Kids.

3 comments:

Florida Girl In Sydney said...

I want to quote so many of the hilarious things you said here!!! You're pure genius. Fer real.

Odoacer said...

Palin gives conservatives something new (a female) to masturbate over. I fear that if McCain loses the election they’ll have to go back to jerking-off over Ronald Reagan again. Won't someone think of the conservatives!?

Perfect Ratio said...

reagan is hawt.