Friday, March 16, 2007
DUDES, so the New York Times interviews terrorists! So unfair, right? I've been trying to get an interview there for an eeeeeeeeternity. I've put my resume through the shaker and on the rocks, with a nice wedge of good GPA lime. I've submitted my best samples, but this Shakir al-Abssi pulls some serious competition. It's so hard to know what these big league media types are looking for in an interviewee, but I think they just wet themselves over this one:
He has solid terrorist credentials. A former associate of Abu Musab al-Zarqawi, the leader of Al Qaeda of Mesopotamia who was killed last summer, Mr. Abssi was sentenced to death in absentia along with Mr. Zarqawi in the 2002 assassination of an American diplomat in Jordan, Laurence Foley. Just four months after arriving here from Syria, Mr. Abssi has a militia that intelligence officials estimate at 150 men and an arsenal of explosives, rockets and even an antiaircraft gun.
Dear New York Times,
I'd like to add some important accomplishments to my folder that I've undertaken since the last time I sent you my resume. In terms of terrorism, no, I haven't managed to off anyone yet, but mind you, just two days ago I mercilessly smashed a huge water beetle that attempted to destroy my religious belief in the divinity of a good shower. Also of note, this beetle was spouting sacriligeous lies about the benefits of a free market. You'll be pleased to hear that I can not only kill exoskeletal enemies, but I'm a bit of a mastermind too. Around a month ago, I took a trip to Las Vegas in order to observe the enemy swathed in all his capitalist greed. While there I entertained mild revenge fantasies, conspiring with various "family" members, about urinating on an ex's toothbrush or at least a shoe, but this mission proved too risky and had to be aborted. But I think you'll agree that the dedication is there, and that I can provide a more hilarious plot than your other interviewee, something the infidels have not yet seen: comedic terror.
The Times arranged to speak with Mr. Abssi through a series of intermediaries, who helped set up meetings in his headquarters at the Nahr al Bared refugee camp. Mr. Abssi, a soft-spoken man with salt-and-pepper hair, was interviewed in a bare room inside a small cinderblock building on the edge of a field where training was under way. About 80 men were in the compound, performing various tasks, including one who manned an antiaircraft gun. As Mr. Abssi spoke, two aides took notes, while a third fiddled with a submachine gun. A bazooka leaned against the wall behind him.
Dear New York Times,
This is not Perfect Ratio. This is her intermediary. She is very very important and any contact you hope to have with her will have to be arranged through me. My email incidentally happens to be quite similar to hers, just lose the dot between first and last name at gmail. Should you choose to undertake this very dangerous interview, send your missionaries to the 2/3 Bergen stop, where our aides will immediately intercept them, smearing their eyes, temporarily, with Bergen Bagel cream cheese while we travel to the interview locale. Once there, two guards, one watching the Discovery Channel and another fiddling with quesadillas will be present. There will be about 70 persons in the surrounding area having audible sex through the vents. We will not harm you in any way if you comply with the course of action we have outlined above. Perfect Ratio too, looks a little like George Clooney.
Hope to hear from you soon!
Have info about a newsworthy plot!
Would love to hear about any Jr. reporter gigs!
Posted by Lauren Bans