I just wanted some shorts. The weather report for New Mexico isn't looking delightful for my personal heat index boundaries, and I'm getting really nervous for the special spa treatment I promised Gaby I'd do (and call her during), which can only add anxiety sweat to my already shiny, desert-averse body. I woke up yesterday with the idea that shorts were the answer to this trip's potential downfalls. Shorts were crucial. Shorts would be life-saving.

So during my lunch hour yesterday, I chose a jaunt to Urban Outfitters over lunch with M Mulkeen, eager to throw down up to 50 bucks on some short-shorts, knee-length cut-offs, whatever could yield a maximum leg to outside air ratio while still looking good on me. After the Pete Doherty lookalike employee greeted me at the door with a grudging, but drawn out "Heeeeey", I jetted over to the first table containing barely butt grazing denim. As it turns out it was the only table of shorts in the store. And this was the only offering:



Now it's painfully clear I'm borrowing from Mary's fantastic compilation of all things fashionable and hideous in criticizing these romper-esque shorts (by that I mean they could serve as a romper for someone under 4'7). I tried them on of course, they were my only option. But my usual size had so much room in the crotch they either necessitated having a dick to not look strange and crotch-dowdy, or wearing a space diaper to fill them in. Perhaps they are meant for the diaper-wearing crowd. At least the model above looks like she just pooped in her pants. Smaller sizes yielded the same baggy-butt result with only a narrow seam line in the crotch getting tighter and tighter until I was basically anally raping myself with unpaid merchandise. Needless to say, I'm ashamed I tried the shorts on whilst under some seductive spell of Urban's hipster fashion credibility, ashamed I went to Urban (in full awareness of their politics too) in the first place, and I would like to take this opportunity to say it won't be happening again.*



*Unless my Mom sends me a gift certificate.