27 Messes (on my face).

As she did with The Holiday, my Grandma psyched me out to see 27 Dresses by raving about the surprise ending. Though I should have known better based on the evidence, I thought that meant the movie would go one of the following directions:

1.) James Marsden, who plays the New York Times, er, excuse me Journal's wedding writer would be gaygaygaygaygaygay as no straight man's nostrils flare with joy upon hearing wedding vows, and the actor himself was recently quoted in Glamour saying his favorite thing to do with a woman was to "brush her lovely hair" (or something).


2.) Katherine Heigl, the always-a-bridesmaid-never-a-bride character would realize that marriage is the opiate of the masses and found a matriarchal society on an island off the coast of Florida where she would age humorously and gracefully along with her two best hos.



or 3.) something subtler, but still mildly subversive-- like Heigl's sister (played by the po' man's version of Cameron Diaz) would end up marrying Heigl's love interest and getting a divorce soon after upon realizing he was all pomp and no substance, prompting both of them to question their fantasies of married life....


But, uh, no.

My Grandma is obvs the patriarchy incarnate, but god dammit the concern that woman instilled in me towards the state of my lipstick is probably the only reason I get laid.


If Emily Post were your Jewish grandmother, could you really blame her for simply wanting her three Jewess granddaughters to have ruby red lips trained to smile at men in kippot?

Heigl plays a responsible workaholic female who "can't say 'no'" to anyone, and thus ends up doing everything for all of her friends' weddings. As if the woman-who-can't-say-no wasn't enough of a cliche, who's to help her out with this? Her romantic interest of course! On their first date, James Marsden is all like, "Girl, I'm going to teach you how to say 'No'!" and Heigl, who is apparently too dumb to say "no" to his stupid date idea is all like, "Okay! Whateves!" Marsden proceeds to demonstrate his romantic comedy-grade creativity with charming 'no' prompts like "Try saying 'no'......when I ask for a bite of your sandwich!...when I say you like sardines!....when I ask to look in your purse!" They should have just cut the crap and gone straight to where this was heading: "Try to say 'no' to my big fat cock", but of course in this genre sexual happiness is unattainable unless the big fat cock comes with a big fat diamond cock ring on it. Comedy gold.

The surprise ending to which Gaga was referring: Katherine Heigl walks down the aisle, teary-eyed, to meet James Marsden's flared-nostril skeletor face. He takes her hands at the altar and says meaningfully: Is this everything you dreamed of?

"No", she replies.

(shock and awe, shock and awe, shock and awe!)

Three seconds later she adds: "It's better."*

*Note to self: If I succumb to the patriarchy and get married one day, I must remember this trickery! A two-step response: first negate, then overreach. What cleverness!

Heigl, my squidzz, what happened to your newfound post-Knocked Up attitude?!

It paints the women as shrews, as humorless and uptight, and it paints the men as lovable, goofy, fun-loving guys. It exaggerated the characters, and I had a hard time with it, on some days. I’m playing such a bitch; why is she being such a killjoy? Why is this how you’re portraying women?

Were you afraid if you didn't take this role you would never work again or something? Please give me a reason! Otherwise I will be forced to cast you as the leading female in my newest Judd Apaturd feature "The Accidental Blowjob", the role of Girl From the Dirty Magazine Who Gets Splooged Upon.