Saturday, January 5, 2008

In every instance when an individual whose head he had observed while alive happened to die, he endeavoured to obtain permission to examine the brain, and frequently did so ; and he found, as a general fact, that, on removal of the skull, the brain, covered by the dura mater, presented a form corresponding to that which the personality had exhibited in life.-Elements of Phrenology, Dr. George Combe.

The bitter coldness a few days ago didn't allow for much activity besides cuddling, eating, and viewing, so Liz, Mere and I combined all three Wednesday afternoon. After a Moutarded meal that nearly ended me, we settled on the couch to revive the halcyon days of adolescence, our stronger years spent tearing through vicious Midwestern winters fueled only by the warmth of three packs of Brown Sugar PopTarts and the sexual tension played out among a pre-herpified Katie Holmes, a pre-tragic James Van Der Beek, and a pre-NoseJo Michelle Williams.

Might I also mention that at the height of our teenagedom, whilst our romantic notions of life and love were being carefully molded by the likes of Dawson's Creek (i.e. we were desiring of boyfriends who lived in the attic and only talked superficially about New Wave film-- not easy to come by in suburban Minnesota), we were innocent and unawares of the LOLpatriarchal notions Dawson Leary hide in his Giganta-head. That is, until we popped the Season 4 Dawson's Creek DVD in for a viewing the other day. Oh woe is our vagsies! How many indie rock retards might we have avoided? How many assholes might we have refuted? How many more lesbian relationships might we have had if only we could have seen Leery for what he really was back then?

I know phrenology went out of vogue with Britney Spear's third pregnancy, but hear me out as I guide you through this correlational guide between forehead size and patriarchal bullshit.

Exhibit A.) Dawson's forehead during the episode in which Jen, the bad-slutty-girl- turned-bad-slutty-single-Mom, discovers she has a heart condition when she goes in for a pregnancy test (because she is a slut) and fucking DIES in the hospital. Why oh why did she not listen to the therapist in Season 4 who tried to explain to her that her sluttitude was a cry for love and attention? Why did she not close her legs and open her heart? WHY?!!!!

FOREHEAD DAMAGE: Omg, stop Leerying at me with your forehead.

Exhibit B.) Dawson's forehead during the episode in which his One Wrue Wuv, Joey, loses her v-card to Dawson's best friend Pacey. Joey and Pacey sit by the fire and analyze their sexual experience. Joey starts crying because, duh, just duh. Pacey asks Joey what her favorite part of their sexcapade was and she replies, "I just knew that when you were above me, holding me, that you would protect me forever. I felt safe, and warm, like a complete person." Pacey's face shows a flash of confusion (I think he was angling for "your 8-inch monster" as her answer), but then he folds her up in his arms and says, "I'll always be here to protect you." While, yes, Dawson is not involved in this scene you can see how the patriarchal ramifications take shape in his hairline recession and thus, ever more bulging forehead.

PATRIARCHAL LOVE LESSON: Waaaah protect me, waaaah I am female, waaaaah.

FOREHEAD FORECAST: I will shield you from harm with my unyielding wenis.

Exhibit C.) Dawson's forehead creased with pain and angst upon learning that Joey, his One Wrue Wuv, lost her virginsies to Pacey on an effing boat. He pries the truth out of her, then makes her fucking APOLOGIZE for not saving her v-card for him (and we're supposed to be on his side!), and finally proceeds to go to this field to cry out his male impotency, because of course now he cannot love purely and innocently a taken woman. (Note: Dawson himself was not a virgin at this point, he had lost his big V to the bad girl slut many seasons ago.) Also this by far is the best picture to ever come into existence.

PATRIARCHAL LOVE LESSON: Men cannot love a wanton woman.

FOREHEAD FORECAST: Implosion! Implosion!

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