![](https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgvPx35n56zofOGzg2YIVZtAXBOSMRcn8c9QRDrnSKFuRG6AAxGFJ0-9ufCabQbBYfWSDNwgmUI0Lji3HQbpGAdAVlviaGxdb8NpNEVHY8FN8pRpNaD90uKxDkhf5QNx4MVh0NEm3cieTQ5/s200/220px-Pee-Wee_Herman_(1988).jpg)
Have you facebooked Paul Reubens yet?.... Why the hell not?
I'm in the habit of accepting any Facebook friend request I receive. As an old-timer, I've lived through the Great Friend Drive of 2004 (aka the founding of Facebook.com). I've experienced the mad rush to accumulate a decent number of online social network pals, the kind of desperation that leads one to friend request that weird Communist girl who brought her parents along to a naked party in college and had no qualms about her dad ogling fellow students' nubile bodies , or the ex-boyfriend who told you your boobs were too bouncy and thus unattractive during intercourse. I feel your pain, newbies.
So, as a direct result of my empathetic nature, I have many new friends from the Philippines, Mexico, and India.
R., my most recent international friend, uses a picture of the late Bollywood hunk Raj Kapoor for his profile picture.
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This profile picture conveys the following messages to your loyal Facebook readers/friends: 1.) I can sing and dance 2.) I died in 1988 and 3.) Thomas Friedman's The Lexus and The Olive Tree is my fav book ever.
When R. friend requested me on June 4th, he included a slight neg in his accompanying message.
June 4th, 2008 7:58am
Hello Lauren
You look sexy and nice. Would you like to be friends? Your the girl on right side?
R.
At the time, this was my Facebook picture:
![](https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEixcMbuB1scWBmZZceA5QMXo7zMTpBcYILmYsy42LKNtVxV3gF-6O22cHG-HWz7vqKRzasnD9Y1gg6bt1ZfZ9jgAOK2rJBbP65TdFPcucFfDSoR_3e1U1OKuaPzGcl3YMQgb5V6YT5-NJH9/s200/n1002119_32128644_3089.jpg)
The girl on the right is my sister. I responded "Yes" anyhow. This is what the Internet is for--pretend.
Over the next few weeks, R. proceeded to inundate my notification box with a variety of sexual quiz invitations.
Quiz: What kind of lover are you?
Quiz: What's your favorite position?
Quiz: Are you sexually compatible with your partner?
Quiz: Do you like it up the ass?
(One of these is made-up, but seriously, who writes these things?)
I was beginning to regret friending R. He posted "Hello sexxy" on my wall. I deleted it immediately.
But then I noticed R.'s status messages. Rather than cliched sexual come-ons, his status messages were filled with inspiring, motivational words, the kind one finds in Des'ree songs:
R. is: you've got to be wise in life.
R. is: believing in true love.
R. is: loving his friends.
But recently R. started down a dark public announcement path:
R. is: feeeling lonely.
R. is: not understanding.
R. is: scared.
R. is feeeling so lonely.
The last reiteration of R.'s loneliness was posted late Sunday night. I was alone myself, with both my housemates out of town and no one to intercept my idle chatter. An hour before, around midnight, I had realized I was sitting on the living room floor in just my oversized "MATH MASTERS" t-shirt, clipping my toenails, and intoning "Wall-EEEEEEE" to myself. That realization will make anyone reach out for late night contact.
I messaged R.
June 29, 2008 12:45am
Hey R.
I've been noticing your Facebook status messages are kind of sad lately. Hope everything is okay!
Lauren
The response:
June 30, 2008 5:17am
My chia pet died! Stay good, sexy.
And that's what friends are for.
4 comments:
great post
like you writing style!
keep them coming!
Thanks!
You are freaking hilarious. Came to you from Rinniez's blog.
I am in bed sick with pneumonia and you are making my chest hurt-- and not in a good way.
i'm lol-ing on-line here, folks!
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