I think I can say that we all watch Gossip Girl because it's downright exhilarating in its obviousness and caricatures. Maybe also because we're tired of watching Jane Alexander suck a dick, frankly. Never surprise me, GG, it would crush the powerful sense of intelligence I get from watching you. The Gossip Girl coverage from New York mag is gold, mainly because they write up everything we were thinking when watching the show, in a hilarious fashion. I especially enjoyed the following passage for its prescient truthiness, because yes, while Serena gets courted by the perfect man spouting the perfect lines, we had to suffer through high school boyfriends who thought renting Jenna Jameson porn along with Chinese takeout was a romantic date. I mean, maybe it would be now that I have a more developed sense of irony, but there is no irony to be found in high school until you're out of high school.

A word about Dan. We've said this before, and we're going to elaborate now: No teenage boys are like Dan. Teenage boys are not quick-witted enough to make the right joke at the right time. They are not sensitive or unself-conscious enough to sit in the hallway with your bitch best friend and console her when she's having a hard time. They do not have values, or make "bold gestures." Nor are their jaws chiseled, their clothes artfully, sexily ruffled, their brown eyes deep and searching as they lock onto yours and tell you, "Just for the record, I like you." The generation of tweens watching Gossip Girl, take note: Dan is your Jake Ryan, and believing that guys like this exist can ruin your life.