Friday, October 31, 2008

McCain's Moniker Invokes Sucky Olden Days

Lauren, the Fact-Checker, would like to point out that McCain's incessant use of the Joe the Plumber title is a riff on the titles of medieval times, when people were addressed by their occupation:

One class of surnames reflect the occupation or status of the first bearer. These occupational last names, derived from the specialty crafts and trades of the medieval period, are fairly self-explanatory. A MILLER was essential for grinding flour from grain, a WAINWRIGHT was a wagon builder, and BISHOP was in the employ of a Bishop. Different surnames often developed from the same occupation based on the language of the country of origin (M√úLLER, for example, is German for Miller).


Joe the Medieval Plumber/Movie Star.


Not only is McCain so fucking old that he inadvertently harkens a society that thrived on slavey plebes, but he also seems to derive a strange sense of nostalgic pride when addressing people as their occupation, perhaps hinting that his view of the economic landscape is simplisticly old fashioned.

For nowadays Joe the Plumber equals Joe the CEO and that is not equal to Bob the Plumber-With-An-Actual-License-And-Mortgage. And none of them really exist in that one-dimensional form.

God, the triumph of nuance is going to feel so good on Wednesday.

Sunday, October 26, 2008

Well, well, well hasn't this just been the sexiest election ever? I can't even read Politico at the office anymore because it makes me nip inappropriately.


Being a VEEP candidate is just like being an actress! You memorize some lines and hire a stylist for $11,400 a week.

Palin Political Strategy (Confidential Internal GOP memo): Wink, smile, don't finish words, act so all men think they have a chance of doing you and all women want to impress their men by voting for you.

Welcome to the new female power. It's like in high school when dating a boy requires spending Friday nights in watching Jenna Jameson pornos on loop, talking about how hot Jenna Jameson is, and then getting complimented for being the kind of cool girl who can wax poetic on Jenna Jameson's hotness. Women for Sarah Palin are pretty much like girls at frat parties making out as a form of heterosexual foreplay for the boyyyz.

If John McCain had picked Condeleeza Rice as his running mate I could get behind this so-called GOP feminist ticket. I mean, not behind it as in vote for it, but behind it in the sense that I would recognize a smart, qualified (albeit evil) woman was undergoing a historic moment for womankind.

It's been my dream since I came home from school at age 15 thinking I had accidentally melted a Hershey bar in my pants to see feminism thrown around as a national issue. But not like this. This insidious, creepy bastardization of feminism is not only frightening because of McCain/Palin's stance on the issues (opposed to reproductive rights, supported a Supreme Court case against equal pay for women, makes Wasila, Alaska women pay for their own rape kits), but because this is the language with which potentially the most powerful female in the nation is described when asked about her qualifications to lead America:

And it's time we had that bresh of freth air (breast of fresh?) -- breath of fresh air coming into our nation's capital and sweep out the old-boy network and the cronyism that's been so much a part of it that I've fought against for all these years.

She'll be my partner. She understands reform. And, by the way, she also understands special-needs families. She understands that autism is on the rise, that we've got to find out what's causing it, and we've got to reach out to these families, and help them, and give them the help they need as they raise these very special needs children.

She understands that better than almost any American that I know. I'm proud of her.



I'm proud of her
.
The highest praise John McCain can give his running mate is Daddy's little girl accolades. I'm so proud of you sweetie, you've come to memorize so much about elections and America and how to say 'Ahmadinejad' on the news! Now go out to those rallies and make Daddy McCain proud.

It's THE PATRIARCHY utterly and literally personified before our eyes.

Friday, October 24, 2008

I don't see what the big deal is about the $150,000 in GOP money spent on Sarah Palin's wardrobe, I mean they spent $800,000 bringing John McCain back from the dead.

Friday, October 10, 2008

OH HAI

I wrote an article for Radar and I liked it. Do you like it? I like you.


Wednesday, October 8, 2008

McCain's Restless Leg Syndrome PSA

"Roaming so far and wide across the stage it seemed he would end up in the Nashville suburbs.."--The New York Times on McCain's Demeanor at The 2nd Presidential Debate

Voiceover: Do you find yourself waking up in the middle of the night with a cramp you just can't shake off? Does the pain interrupt your working life, making you lurch around like Frankenstein in the background of the 2008 Presidential Debate while your opponent calmly regales an audience of undecided voters? You are not alone. You may be one of the millions of Americans whose lives are seriously affected by the medical condition known as Restless Leg Syndrome. There is a cure. Ask your doctor about ReQuip-- the one and only medication proven to ease leg cramps and allow you to look like a sane person who can actually sit on a stool.....and stay there.

You don't have to be irritable, short-tempered old man who nearly falls on audience members forever. Call your doctor today.

Saturday, October 4, 2008

For Ms. Palin, such things as context, syntax and the proximity of answers to questions have no meaning.--Bob Herbert

I drunk dialed Joe Biden Thursday night. Initially I wanted to email him, but in my less than stone cold sober state, I kept running up against pesky web forms on his Senate page. A web form would not do. But a Washington Office number more than sufficed: 302-573-6345. (His number is now in my phone under "Pizza Hut." I suggest you put him in your address book under a fast food restaurant you're likely to call when intoxicated so you can let your cynical self loose and reap drunken compliments upon the man too. *Brought to you by the Committee Of Political Drunks, PAC.)

My recollection of what I actually said on the phone keeps getting more grandiose and absurd as I am apt to do in my story-telling, but I know for sure I uttered "I wish you were my Dad" and "I love you."

From Urban Dictionary:


Joe Biden was brilliant at the debate. Sarah Palin wrote some quasi-complete sentences on cue cards and the American punditry claimed her a success. I don't know if I can live in this country anymore.



Her memorized bits of speech sounded like someone had taped the banter at a Retarded Daughters Of The Revolution meeting and made her memorize it. She was basically a robot not so much unlike America's favorite one-trope machine WALL-E, only Palin's cloying, repetitive intonations were annoying, not adorable. At least I thought so.

"Every Rubik's Cube deserves to live; even if you're just going to put it on a shelf and let it starve. That's the way we do it in post-apocalyptic Alaska.
"


"GOLL-EEEEEE!!!! GEEE-WHIZZ!!! POO-POO!!!! PEE-PEE!!!! MAVER-EEEECK!!! DRILL-EEEEE BAB-EEEE DRILL-EEEE!!!"

I'm sorry, there's one other crucial difference between WALL-E and Sarah Palin: WALL-E cleans up the Earth and Sarah Palin rapes it. And then she makes the Earth pay for her own rape kit.

Have you seen this one yet? Let's just make this slogan the strong fundamentals of our economic policy:



It's just like my sleep shirt that reads: I MAY HAVE A LARGE VOID IN FOREIGN POLICY EXPERIENCE, BUT MY VAGINA IS SUPER TIGHT!

Also, Joe Biden you owe me some Sour Patch Kids.