Sunday, April 8, 2007

The Fast Before The Feast.















It's the perfect time to fast-- it's in sync with the Christian calendar right now, and there's an even larger goal at hand for which I have a ZipCar rented, a car CD mixed, and the excitement of a boy about to get his first BJ: The Cheesecake Factory next weekend.

For those naysayers who may be shaking their heads, thinking "what silly cows these girls are to rent a car for the sole purpose of consuming massive-portioned, responsible-for-obesity-in-America, chain restaurant food!" I recite to you, in an unwavering voice, the following haiku:

Cheesecake Factory
It is not Applebee's duh
Cheesecake Factory


I would also gesture to the salivation-inducing photos in the corner. Have you ever had a Grande Factory Burrito?
Yeah, I didn't think so. Have you ever finished the Grande Factory Burrito? Yeah, I didn't think you could do that either.

Anyhow, I'm about to embark on a diet which consists of only healthy things in moderation, which to many people is simply their daily eating regimen, but to me it's like the Pillsbury Dough Boy embarking on Atkins. I will also go to the gym and partake in sex daily to burn extra calories DESPITE how good abstinence feels (see post below). Insane!

I would like to point out, especially to Yellow Rape who will give me a lot of flack on this mission, that God is behind me. Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me (when God is in my stomach):

QUESTION:

Why do we fast, and from what do we fast, before Pascha?


ANSWER:

We fast before the Feast of Feasts [The Cheesecake Factory], the Resurrection of Christ [our chubby childhood], to prepare ourselves for the celebration of Our Lord's eternal victory over sin, corruption, and death [dessert], and in anticipation of our own resurrection[night on the toilet]. Hence, Great Lent is a time of preparation, during which we focus on and anticipate the resurrection of Our Savior by fasting, prayer, and almsgiving[Cheesecake donations may be sent through PayPal].

When we fast, we "shift our focus" from ourselves to God and others, spending less time worrying about what to eat, when to eat, how much to eat [to the anticipation of eating], and so on in order to use our time in increased prayer and caring for the poor [giving them my Oreos]. We learn through fasting that we indeed can gain control over those things that we too often allow to control us [Cheesecake] -- and for many people, food is a controlling factor. We live in the only society in which an entire TV network is devoted to food! While fasting from food, however, we are also challenged to fast from sin [omitted from diet], from gossip [omitted from diet], from jealousy[omitted from diet], from anger[omitted from diet], and from those other things which, while well within our control, we all too often allow to control us [drug allowance still under debate for this week in fear that it may lead to cookie eating].

Further, just as we would refrain from eating a lot before going to an expensive restaurant for dinner -- if we "ruin our appetite" we will hardly enjoy our dinner -- so too we fast before Holy Pascha in order to more fully feast and celebrate on the Feast itself.[omg, right on Christian website!]

3 comments:

Gaby + Simone said...

dude, have you been to junior's for cheesecake? ohhh man... we must go.

Perfect Ratio said...

I know. I don't even consider that cheesecake. It's more like cheeseblock-- delicious, dense cheeseblock.

Gaby + Simone said...

mmm, cheeseblock. for lighter fare, may i suggest eileen's special cheesecake in, uh, i guess they call it "nolita" these days... let's go let's go let's go!!!