Today as Reese and I were leaving Key Foods in Park Slope--

Reese: "It's weird how we live so close to Maggie Gyllenhaal, but we've never seen her, isn't it?"

Me: "Yeah, it is totes weird how we never see any celebrities. Park Slope is where anorexic actresses come when they need to get fat and have babies."

Not two seconds after those words departed from my lips, Heath Fuckin Ledger strolls past us in all his celebrity glory. Not kidding. He was pretty beautiful, though if I were Williams I would snip the greasy ponytail.

Feeling pretty assured of my power to dictate reality, on the next block I tried "Isn't it weird how I haven't gotten laid lately?"

Sure enough, Ledger fell down from the heavens with a gigantic boner.